Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Zipper Accidents Read online

  “I don’t believe in accidents. There are only encounters in history. There are no accidents.”

  —Pablo Picasso

  “We are glade to pre-approve you for a Educaiton Degree!”

  —a spam text message received by Uncle John while working on this book

  UNCLE JOHN’S BATHROOM READER®

  ZIPPER ACCIDENTS

  Copyright © 2013 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

  For information, write: The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover and interior design by Andy Taray / Ohioboy.com

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Uncle John’s bathroom reader zipper accidents.

  pages cm

  ISBN 978-1-60710-791-0 (pbk.)

  1. American wit and humor. 2. Curiosities and wonders. I. Bathroom Readers’ Institute (Ashland, Or.) II. Title: Zipper accidents.

  PN6165.U5296 2013

  081—dc23

  2012045784

  First Printing: April 2013

  1 2 3 4 5 17 16 15 14 13

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  Brian Boone

  Andy Taray

  Christy Taray

  Trina Janssen

  Claudia Bauer

  Jay Newman

  Thom Little

  Dan Mansfield

  Brandon Hartley

  Megan Todd

  Eleanor Pierce

  Michael Conover

  Jill Bellrose

  Kim Griswell

  David Hoye

  Jennifer Frederick

  Sydney Stanley

  Lilian Nordland

  Melinda Allman

  JoAnn Padgett

  Aaron Guzman

  Gideon Sundback

  CONTENTS

  LOTTO-NO

  UN-LIMB-ITED

  IF THE U.S. WINS, YOU WIN & McDONALD’S LOSES

  DETHY’S DEATHTRAP

  GREIVOUS BODILY HARM

  A MINOR DETAIL, REALLY

  BUSINESS BLUNDERS

  SODA JERKS

  CIVIC ERRORS

  THE INFLATABLE TRUCKER

  THREE ELECTION GAFFES

  CELEBRITY MARRIAGE WEIRDNESS

  ONE FALSE STROKE

  THE ROGUE TRADER

  ZERO TOLERANCE

  IT’S THE COMPUTER’S FAULT

  CRUSH CRASH

  UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES

  PIANO, MAN

  PARLOR TRICKS GONE WRONG

  THE $320,000 GOLF CLUB

  TERRIBLE-BODY-ART-DECISION.COM

  MOVIE MISTAKES THAT WORKED OUT

  BAD TRACTOR

  COWBOY UP!

  MISSING THE (DECIMAL) POINT

  WEIRD WAYS TO DIE

  THE DEAN OF ERRORS

  POORLY NAMED PRODUCTS

  JIMMY KIMMEL, FAR TOO LIVE

  THE HARTFORD COLISEUM COLLAPSE

  TO B-2, OR NOT TO B-2

  EXCERPTS FROM ACTUAL INSURANCE CLAIMS

  POLITICAL GAFFES

  GOOD ART, BAD BUSINESS

  A CONVERSATION WITH “KEVIN SPACEY”

  LET’S PLAY HANGED-MAN!

  HOT MICS

  WHY THE JUICE ISN’T LOOSE

  WHEN BOUNCY HOUSES GO BAD

  REAL 911 CALLS

  BLOCKBUSTED

  SORRY ABOUT THE RACISM

  HERE, I’LL SHOW YOU

  IT’S CRIMINAL

  BAD .COM NAMES

  WHEN BEER ATTACKS

  BAD LIBATIONS

  STUMPED

  A SHORT INTERVIEW

  BASEBALL ERRORS

  PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN

  STAGED DEATHS

  PRESIDENT LANDON

  SILENCED MARINER

  THREE SPORTS GAFFES

  MARRIAGE ACCIDENTS

  DUH.COM

  ON THE JOB

  THE JOHNSTOWN FLOOD

  PROFESSOR RALPH

  BAD TRIP

  PERHAPS I MISSPOKE

  WHO’S THAT GUY?

  FAULTY RESEARCH

  PUT A RING IN IT

  YOU’RE GONNA DIE

  THE ROYAL MISTAKE

  BLOOD ON THE SCREEN

  THE HUNTER WHO BURNED CALIFORNIA

  ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL (FAILS)?

  CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES! COME ON!

  DELETE THE TWEET

  IT’S A RECORD, ALMOST!

  STAFF INFECTION

  THE COCAINE AMPUTATION

  E.T., GO HOME

  GENITAL WARFARE

  WEIRD (AND REAL) CELL PHONE INSURANCE CLAIMS

  MUSICIAN BOMBS

  FLAMEOUTS

  DIG IT!

  REAL ANSWERS FROM FAMILY FEUD

  FLAMIN’ HOT HEALTH CRISIS AVERTED

  DISCO INFERNO

  THE FASHION CAFÉ

  WHO NEEDS TELEVISION?

  REAL QUESTIONS FROM THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY THANKSGIVING HOTLINE

  BURNING MAN

  WRONG TURN

  ANIMAULED

  TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE TYPOS

  STRIPPER ACCIDENTS

  GREAT BUTTS OF FIRE

  CORPORATE GAFFES

  TEXT MESSAGING ACCIDENTS

  “HEY Y’ALL, WATCH THIS!”

  THE STONER REPORT

  BABY ON BOARD

  SPOILER ALERT!

  FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

  THESE STORIES SUCK

  SHREDS UP!

  THE PUNKIEST OF PUNKS

  MEET YOUR NEW FAKE PRESIDENT

  BIZARRE BASEBALL INJURIES

  THE ROADSIDE BACHELOR PARTY

  MILD ANIMALS

  FAILED GOVERNMENT

  LOVE HURTS

  YES, VIRGINIA…

  SKYFALLS

  PLASTIC SURGERY DISASTERS

  THE OLD BALLS GAME

  COSTUME DRAMAS

  GRANT’S TOMB

  AN ELEVATING TALE

  FUNNY MONEY

  NO STRINGS ATTACHED

  HOW MUCH WOOD COULD A WOODCHUCK CHUCK

  BAD, SANTA

  NEARLY NUCLEAR WARS

  BOTCHED BUNGEE

  HELLO, DOLLY

  DEAD MUSICIANS

  RUSSIAN HIT MAN GONE WRONG

  UNACCEPTABLE

  DOWN ON THE FARM

  “WE REGRET THE ERROR”

  THE EDGE OF OLYMPIC GLORY

  SWITCHING CHANNELS

  MILITARY MINDLESSNESS

  FIRE THE WRITER

  (NOSE) CANDY

  CAUGHT ON GOOGLE STREET VIEW

  McWHAT?

  MORE POLITICAL GAFFES

  WORLDS WERE ROCKED

  EXCERPTS FROM ACTUAL INSURANCE CLAIMS

  YOU SHOULDN’T BE NAKED

  GARFIELD HATES MONDAYS, VETERANS

  THAT SINKING FEELING

  NICE MOVE, SLICK

  THE ULTIMATE ZIPPER ACCIDENT

  ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN!

  Let’s face it: Life is hard. Everyday you’re forced to wake up and do a whole bunch of things. Thousands of things. Most are relatively simple, like breathing or finding a pair of matching socks. But too many of these tasks are fraught wi
th peril: pulling out of your driveway, merging into traffic, and trying to do so while texting, for example. (Also: finding a pair of matching socks.)

  So it goes.

  Thing after thing after thing must be done, and you’re not allowed to screw up even one of those! But, inevitably, you do. We all do. Thankfully, most errors go unnoticed. But some people’s goofs make the evening news. Or the history books. It’s then that these little moments of embarrassment get shared the world over, leading all of us to look on, shake our heads and remark, “What a shame,” and then “I’m sure glad that wasn’t me.”

  That’s what Zipper Accidents is all about: We call out the all-time biggest screw-ups…so you can feel better about yourself. Consider it our gift. So happy reading…and don’t forget to look where you’re driving while you do.

  —Uncle John and the Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  LOTTO-NO

  An elderly English woman purchased a EuroMillions lottery form in 2010, brought it home, picked her numbers, and gave it to her husband to turn in. And, as she always did, she wrote down her numbers on a piece of paper. A few days later came the big announcement—all her numbers were drawn! She’d won! One problem: Her husband had tossed the ticket into the garbage bin. The couple would have won £113 million ($181 million).

  •Martyn and Kay Tott bought a National Lottery ticket in England in 2001. Watching the news a few nights later, they heard that the jackpot of £3 million was still unclaimed. Then the newsreader delivered the numbers, and they were the numbers the Totts always played. The couple, celebrating their first wedding anniversary, were thrilled and poked around for their ticket to millions—but they couldn’t find it. Ultimately, the 30-day time limit on lost tickets claims came and went. Three lengthy legal battles ensued; the Totts won none of them. The stress over the gain—and immediate loss—of millions strained their marriage, and the couple split.

  UN-LIMB-ITED

  Fifty-one-year-old William King was in a Tampa, Florida, hospital in 1995 for the amputation of his right foot, which had became gangrenous due to complications from adult-onset diabetes. Just before he went under the anesthesia, he joked with medical staff, “Make sure you don’t take the wrong one.” Guess what happened? The doctors amputated his healthy left foot, and spared him the gangrenous right one.

  King ultimately had to have both legs amputated below the knee, and he received a hefty settlement. The hospital where the mix-up occurred, University Community Hospital, instituted a new practice to ensure the same mistake wasn’t repeated: A medical professional had to write “NO” on all limbs not slated for amputation. This procedure, simple yet amazingly effective, has been adopted at thousands of hospitals around the world.

  “THE DOCTORS AMPUTATED HIS HEALTHY LEFT FOOT, AND SPARED HIM THE GANGRENOUS RIGHT ONE.””

  IF THE U.S. WINS, YOU WIN & McDONALD’S LOSES

  Patriotism surges before and during the Olympics, especially when the Olympics are on home soil. That was the climate in 1984 as the Los Angeles Summer Games approached. McDonald’s capitalized on America’s Olympic fever with a massive promotion called “If the U.S. wins, you win!” Whenever a customer bought certain food items, they received a scratch-off game piece emblazoned with an Olympic event—if an American won a medal in that event, the customer won a Big Mac (for a gold), fries (for silver), or a soda (bronze). McDonald’s wasn’t worried about having to give away too much free stuff because in the 1976 Olympics, the U.S. won 94 medals; the Soviet Union won 125 and East Germany won 90.

  But then, just weeks before the Games were to begin, the USSR announced a Communist boycott of the 1984 Olympics as payback for the U.S.-led 1980 boycott. The USSR sat out, as did traditional powerhouses like East Germany, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Poland. With its major foes out of the way, the U.S. had a much clearer path to Olympic glory, and made good on it, winning an astounding 174 medals, 83 of them gold. The U.S. won, consumers won, but the big loser was McDonald’s, which lost tens of millions giving away food it didn’t think it was going to have to give away.

  DETHY’S DEATHTRAP

  Louis Dethy was a 79-year-old retired man living in Charlerois, Belgium, in 2002. He lived alone, having alienated his large family—his wife and 14 children—through infidelity and refusing to forgive them for not forgiving him. In 1998 he lost a legal battle over his mother’s will, which left Dethy’s house (which she had owned) to one of his daughters. Essentially facing eviction from a family he had come to see as the enemy, Dethy decided to booby-trap his house—if he couldn’t keep it, he’d kill them all before he let them have it. He hid 20 shotguns around the house that would fire if triggered: one over a crate of beer bottles that would set the gun off when emptied, one on a chest full of cash in the cellar, one on a water tank, and even one on the TV. To make sure he didn’t shoot himself first, Dethy wrote himself tons of coded notes and riddles and stashed those around the house, too. Nonetheless, Dethy accidentally set off one of the guns and shot himself. A military mine-clearance team had to be called in to rid the house of the other 19 firearms… and Dethy’s body.

  “DETHY DECIDED TO BOOBY-TRAP HIS HOUSE—IF HE COULDN’T KEEP IT, HE’D KILL THEM ALL BEFORE HE LET THEM HAVE IT.”

  GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM

  Ashocking development. Michael Anderson Godwin was convicted of murder in South Carolina in 1989. Somehow, he avoided the electric chair and got life in prison instead. Then one day, while sitting on a steel toilet in his cell, he was trying to repair a pair of headphones…while they were plugged in. He electrocuted himself and died.

  If at first you don’t succeed… An unnamed 30-year-old man in Kent, New York, attempted suicide by jumping out of a fourth-story window of an apartment building. But he landed on a parked car and survived. When he recovered, he tried again, jumping out the same window. He landed on the same car and fractured his ankle and wrist.

  Mr. Clean. When police found 18-year-old Michael Smeriglio of Port St. Lucie, Florida, he was in bad shape. There was a lot of blood… down there. Smeriglio told the cops he’d been shot by hoodlums. But he was lying. He was cleaning his gun when it fired. According to press reports, “The bullet went through his penis, his left testicle, and then lodged itself in his thigh.”

  That bites. Illinois Baptist minister Paul Wrenn performs tremendous feats of strength to demonstrate the power of faith, like pounding nails into boards with his bare hands, or letting parishioners jump on his stomach. At a 1988 service, he lifted a 385-pound man a few inches off the ground with his teeth, using a special mouthpiece. Then the mouthpiece slipped, immediately tearing five teeth out of Wrenn’s mouth, each of them reportedly left dangling by a nerve. Wrenn put the large man down, finished his sermon, then sought medical attention.

  Burns’s burn. In 2012, a drug cop, unnamed in press reports, completed a home search in Mercer Island, Washington. When he went to re-holster his gun, it fired. According to Mercer Island police commander Leslie Burns, “He did shoot his buttocks area, but he’ll be fine.” No word on the extent of injuries to his ego area.

  It could have been any red, octagonal sign. Police in St. Augustine, Florida, pulled over Leslie Richard Newton, 63, when they spotted him driving his Chevy Camaro erratically. Earlier on his joy ride, Newton had blasted through a stop sign. As in, he blasted through the sign itself, destroying it. Then he kept on driving. The reason the accident made news: Newton still had a chunk of the stop sign embedded in his skull when he was pulled over. According to reports, “Alcohol was a factor.”

  A MINOR DETAIL, REALLY

  JUST ONE PAIR OF BINOCULARS. David Blair, the original second officer on the Titanic, was relieved of duty shortly before the ship set off for New York on April 10, 1912. In Blair’s haste to leave, he forgot to turn over all of his equipment to his replacement. One of the forgotten items was the key to the crow’s nest telephone. Blair had also left the crow’s nest binoculars in his cabin. According to the testimony of surviving crew members, if the lookou
ts had been given the binoculars, they would have seen the iceberg sooner. And if they’d had access to the phone, they could have alerted the bridge sooner. Either scenario might well have given the Titanic enough time to safely change course.

  JUST A MATTER OF DISTRIBUTION. In 1965 journalist Lionel Burleigh announced that he was starting a brand-new newspaper to serve London, the Commonwealth Sentinel. He promised nonbiased reporting and truth telling, renting billboards to announce his paper as “Britain’s most fearless newspaper.” The first issue came out on February 6, 1965. That was the last issue. Spending all of his time writing articles, collecting ads, and getting the paper to press, Burleigh had neglected to arrange distribution. The first edition’s 50,000 copies were dumped outside the hotel where he was staying. By the time the matter was sorted out, the news in the paper was old news. The paper folded, having sold one issue, by Burleigh’s daughter to a pedestrian walking by the hotel.

  “EITHER SCENARIO MIGHT WELL HAVE GIVEN THE TITANIC ENOUGH TIME TO SAFELY CHANGE COURSE.”

  JUST ONE PEDAL OVER. In 1971 Helen Ireland of Auburn, California, got into her car to take her driver’s license test. She said good morning to the tester, started the engine, then pressed down on the accelerator instead of the clutch and drove straight through the DMV’s wall. Total time of driving test: about one second. (She didn’t pass.)

  JUST ONE CONVERSION ERROR. It was a case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand was doing. NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory was the left hand; they used metric units in their calculations while designing the Mars Climate Orbiter. Aerospace company Lockheed Martin was the right hand; they used the customary feet and inches. Then, nine months and 461 million miles after it launched in December 1998, the mismatched figures caused the orbiter’s space brakes to not fire in time. The craft, which weighed 750 pounds (or, if you prefer, 340 kilograms), hit the Martian atmosphere at the wrong angle and was never heard from again. Cost of the mission: $327 million.